Understanding Complaining

What is the difference between complaining and discussing certain topics in a constructive way?

It lies in our attitude - our motivation - for speaking. Discussing a situation involves taking a more balanced approach, in which we actively try to understand the origin of the problem and think of a remedy. In our mind we become proactive, not reactive. We assume responsibility for what is our responsibility and stop blaming others when we cannot control a situation.

Thus, we can discuss our health without complaining about it. We simply tell others the facts and go on. If we need help, we ask for it directly, instead of lamenting in the hopes that someone will rescue us or feel sorry for us.

Similarly, we can discuss our financial situation, a friendship gone awry, an unfair policy at work, the uncooperative attitude of a salesperson, the ills of society, the misconceptions of political leaders, or the dishonesty of CEOs without complaining about them. This is far more productive, because discussion with knowledgeable people can help give us a new perspective on the situation, which, in turn, helps us deal with it more effectively.

For Buddhist practitioners, several meditations act as healthy antidotes to the habit of complaining.

Meditating on impermanence is a good start; seeing that everything is transient enables us to set our priorities wisely and determine what is important in life. It becomes clear that the petty things we complain about are not important in the long run, and we let them go.

Meditating on compassion is also helpful. When our mind is imbued with compassion, we don't see others as enemies or as obstacles to our happiness.

Instead, we see that they do harmful actions because they wish to be happy but don't know the correct method for attaining happiness. They are, in fact, just like us: imperfect, limited sentient beings who want happiness and not suffering.

Thus we can accept them as they are and seek to benefit them in the future. We see that our own happiness, in comparison to the problematic situations others' experience, is not so important. Thus we are able to view others with understanding and kindness, and automatically any inclination to complain about, blame, or judge them evaporates.

Meditating on the nature of cyclic existence is another antidote. Seeing that we and others are under the influence of ignorance, anger, and clinging attachment, we abandon idealistic visions that things should be a certain way.

As a friend always says to me when I mindlessly complain, "This is cyclic existence. What did you expect?"

Well, I suppose that at that moment, I expected perfection, i.e. that everything should happen the way I think it should, the way I want it to. Examining the nature of cyclic existence frees us from such unrealistic thinking and from the complaining it foments.

In his Guide to a Bodhisattva's Way of Life, Shantideva counsels us, "If something can be changed, work to change it. If it cannot, why worry, be upset, and complain?"

Wise advice. We need to remember it when the urge arises to complain.

by Thubten Chodron